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Sometimes It's Hard to Know What to Do!
I'm sure that you are all aware of this type of situation happening....
A woman is putting herself out there in the surrogacy community trying to find a match, and someone who knows her a little more personally than the rest of us decided to warn the community of "issues" she may or may not have.
...This sort of situation is a time in which I don't know what's appropriate to do. I sincerely want to allow people to post about scams and the like under the "Surrogacy Community Beware" discussion category, but at the same time it terrifies me that someone who just doesn't like the surrogate in question is stirring things up for strictly personal motives. To be honest, it is rare that I could know who is being truthful. I would LOVE to bust out a crystal ball and settle these disputes!!!!
When you all catch negative information about a surrogate in a chat or read a post on the forum, do you take it to heart or can you stay objective and take both sides into account. I think if it were me trying to find a surrogate, my cautiousness would cause me to not choose the person in question just in case. Now, this person could be the perfect match for me, but the negative comments of someone would be enough for me to move on to other interests. I hate that thought though, that in the event that it is strictly an ugly plan to ruin someone's reputation works so easily.
I'm curious to hear you comments...
Do you have advice for how I might handle a situations like these?
How do you react emotionally when you run into one of these scenarios?
Have you ever been involved in a situation like this?
I'm not looking for any old wars to be relived, but I do need feedback. What the heck do we make of warnings about surrogates that don't have any hard proof provided?
And on a more personal note, thank you for all your encouragement as Nick and I begin our attempt to create life. You all are so incredibly sweet, and I can't wait to get to report to you all that we have a bun in the oven :)
A woman is putting herself out there in the surrogacy community trying to find a match, and someone who knows her a little more personally than the rest of us decided to warn the community of "issues" she may or may not have.
...This sort of situation is a time in which I don't know what's appropriate to do. I sincerely want to allow people to post about scams and the like under the "Surrogacy Community Beware" discussion category, but at the same time it terrifies me that someone who just doesn't like the surrogate in question is stirring things up for strictly personal motives. To be honest, it is rare that I could know who is being truthful. I would LOVE to bust out a crystal ball and settle these disputes!!!!
When you all catch negative information about a surrogate in a chat or read a post on the forum, do you take it to heart or can you stay objective and take both sides into account. I think if it were me trying to find a surrogate, my cautiousness would cause me to not choose the person in question just in case. Now, this person could be the perfect match for me, but the negative comments of someone would be enough for me to move on to other interests. I hate that thought though, that in the event that it is strictly an ugly plan to ruin someone's reputation works so easily.
I'm curious to hear you comments...
Do you have advice for how I might handle a situations like these?
How do you react emotionally when you run into one of these scenarios?
Have you ever been involved in a situation like this?
I'm not looking for any old wars to be relived, but I do need feedback. What the heck do we make of warnings about surrogates that don't have any hard proof provided?
And on a more personal note, thank you for all your encouragement as Nick and I begin our attempt to create life. You all are so incredibly sweet, and I can't wait to get to report to you all that we have a bun in the oven :)
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by jodi on -
My only advice would be in situations like this where it is he said she said it be handled off the boards. You as the Mod would contact the person in question and let her know what is being said and if she can verify or deny this. In most cases of warnings or bannings there needs to be some sort of proof of wrong doing such as e-mails, someone using two e-mail accts. under diff. names, in some cases IP's or SM's are stuck w/ medical bills and those are showed to the Mod in order to back up an accusation. It just really depends on the situation but, I feel that before a ban or warning is put out there the Mod should look at all the facts and evidence make her decision based on that and then make the decision as whether to ban, post or allow the accuser to post a warning. She gossip w/ no back up is not enough.
And good luck again w/ the baby dancing!
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Permalink Reply by Jenn on -
I would agree with Jodi. Unless evidence can be provided there is no proof.
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Permalink Reply by TSVickyFromPR on -
I think everyone should be given the benefit of the doubt, and both sides heard. Emotionally, I try and stay objective, but in reality it's hard not to get emotionally involved. I've read a few of the dramas that have ensued here at SM and have always though that reading both sides is best, unless things get out of control, and people start calling each other names.
I can understand how the IPs side would want to warn other potential couples. In any case, I always worry that personality differences, or communication problems, where the main cause of the problems to begin with.
Being a moderator must be no picnic Ivory :( Sorry about that, and good luck.
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Permalink Reply by Jeniffer on
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I agree with you! Word of mouth is so powerful. When someone warns you about something or someone you take it for what that person says. (just in case) Talking bad about someone because you don't like them or you don't think they are in it for the right reason(lets say their comp) just means they are not a match for YOU. But to warn someone because you know for a fact they have done something or are giving mixed information and something doesnt seem right is a different story. Obviously everything is a case by case but you have to take in the information and decide whether they are saying things that have substance to it, or are they out to hurt this person so others will not like them or match with them, simply because THEY don't and they have bumped heads with this person in the past.
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Permalink Reply by Melissa on -
You will be a great mama. Don't stress it! LOL.
There have been a number of individuals here that have sent up red flags for me. In many cases their quickness to strike out with names and personal attacks makes it readily apparent that their journeys will be emotional roller coasters too. If there is no respect for individuals and boundaries now, what happens later? I suspect that their viciousness is self evident and need not be brought to anyone's attention.
Without trying to reopen old wounds, "GTL" was a great example of potential problems. Forget her views, but the frequency of ruffling feathers was a sign. Her inability to "share" was also a flag ~ share her identity, share her profile, share elements of her life, etc.... Lastly, her lack of knowledge of basic reproductive terms, after being here for almost half a year scared me, especially when she was going indy. (I am soooo sorry for the hurt she caused her IM.)
Unless there are hidden "no nos", like a criminal background, or medical concerns, I think if people read long enough, you can usually read between the lines. The problem is this is soooo emotional that too many do not listen with their heads.
Maybe the answer is asking more questions of the individual in question? And allowing them to shed more light?
There was a SM here that was repeatedly called out for her actions. Although these were questionable in themselves, her reactions to them said alot of good things.
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Permalink Reply by Stacey and Buffy {MATCHED!!} on -
Did you want me to fax you proof on our situation?
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Permalink Reply by Melissa on
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Maybe I missed something, or I am in the minority, but I have NEVER second guessed your sincerity, S&B.
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Permalink Reply by ashley s on -
you know im starting to think theres alot of backed up bad feelings on here weather they are legit or not isnt the question cause a feeling is always lagit I think the problem is a combination of bad words and hurt feelings and while some one has the right to there opinion if it is personal I dont think it should be stated on this sort of website the big problem with this sort of stuff is that it creates cliques Im not saying you shouldnt make friends in this sort of comunity but when a group of people have nothing good to say about another group or person strictly for personal reasons it creates fights and causes people to naturaly take sides just like it did in highschool and it almost always makes EVERYONE look bad because its a basic instinct to deffend ourselves and retaliate and all usualy because of a misunderstanding
would i be crazy to suggest a clear the air board ? a place where people who are angrie at one another weather surrogacy related or not can say what happened from there point of view and why it makes them mad and weather peoplle make up and become friends or just agree to disagree at least people would have got to say what they want and the rest of us can take it with a grain of salt but ofcourse a borad like that would have to come with rules like a conversation between 2 people is strictly a conversation between those to people no jumping in to defend one another cause that usualy ends in some one being ganged up on and one sided conversations talk themselves in circles keep it short and consise if its just a rant then most of it probably wont make sence and you will end up repeating yourself be open to hearing the other person side of the story because there are 3 sides to every story yours mine and what really happend is how the saying goes i think and obviously if they are there reading your post they are open to hearing your side of the story no swearing no name calling cause that is niether helpful or productive so on so forth it might help solve some of the problems and keep the fighting off the main boards we are soposed to be here to help people not to create drama
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Permalink Reply by Melissa on
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Side bar on this topic... "drama" can be productive. It gives others the opportunity to see how you handle adversity, and emotional issues. My former IFs (who I still think the world of) and I went through some trying times; it only served to re-enforce my great respect for them.
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Permalink Reply by Dreams-Matched & Preggy on -
Sadly though,on a sidenote,there are still people on this board - that are banned-that really shouldnt even be in the surro world as wee not in it for the right reasons in the first place.To come on any surro board & place yourself as available to help someone,then go out of your way to hurt them is disgusting & she will get whats due.
Im not going into detail but im sure she will kick off & show herself soon enough.
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Permalink Reply by Dreams-Matched & Preggy on
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OMG..........2 long sentences............the only punctuation is 1 ? in the 2nd sentence
pls pls take a min to check your posts so that they are actually readable
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Permalink Reply by Brooke *Matched* on -
lol I totally agree. I was like "what is she doing?" :)
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