Family Members for Surrogates

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Permalink Reply by ProudScotsMumtoBe on August 3, 2009 at 12:32pm

Ditto - all of the above.

Val x

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Permalink Reply by Tamika Anderson on August 3, 2009 at 5:10pm

Funny- I was just talking to my husband about this--because I have a friend that I think may have fertility issues...but she has not accepted it yet. I am sure if she asked..I would help in a heartbeat..but I am not sure if it would be the best for our friendship.
She can trust me and knows me better than she could know anyone else...BUT I would be looking into that babies eyes all the time--it isn't like handing it over to the family and getting updates every now and then. This would not be a problem for me...but when she has trouble (normal parenting issue) and wants to vent to her best friend...will she feel as though I am trying to parent her child?
I also agree with EVERYTHING that is said below about if something bad happens...mixed feelings...still thinking...

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Permalink Reply by GinaF on August 4, 2009 at 3:04pm

I'll just give my experience. :)

The relationship only grew much more due to the surrogacy. If there had been a bad outcome IDK how things would have gone.

There was a lot of trust there without having to work on a relationship. Her thoughts are that I had two beautiful healthy children that she adores. I obviously knew how to grow them and have a successful pregnancy so she trusted me to take good care of her child.

There were many family members that were very supportive. There were a few that were not but they mostly kept those opinions to themselves.

I have a lot of contact and have no emotional attachment issues. I used to worry that I wasn't attached enough if that makes sense. Of course that child is much more like a niece than the cousin that in reality she is.

We don't have the small town talk issues since we don't live in the same town.

I did have the occassional ignorant comment about how my husband felt about me "sleeping with some other guy" but that was for being a surro in general and not really because of doing this for family. I also got comments about "having sex with my husband's cousin" but it was from an idiot relative of mine. Idiot is the operative word.

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I think it's important to point out that this is MY experience. Although it was a great experience it still had it's ups and downs. I also have many family members that I wouldn't dream of going through a surrogacy with.

Lambs made some very good points for anyone considering a family surrogacy to think about. I think many times it's emotionally easier for someone to find a "stranger" for a surro rather than a family member. There is the potential for things to go wrong and create a rift amidst an entire family rather than between two couples.

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Permalink Reply by Pink Turtle on August 8, 2009 at 6:49pm

As my husband and I start to tred these surrogate waters, that was naturally one of the first questions we asked each other. After much thought we decided against asking either one of my sister-in-laws as we thought; 1.) they might feel some sort of obilgation if we asked (then regret it later) 2.) attachment worries - would they really be able to dis-associate themselves from the child - Gina gave me hope on that one!

I guess that I would feel differently if I had a natural sister (my brothers would do it if they could), but both are inlaws, so for me as the IM, I would certainly, in my situation be uncomfortable.

That being said, we are searching for "extended family" GS, for a more quasi close relationship without the blood connection. Someone that can be "auntie".

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Permalink Reply by GinaF on August 9, 2009 at 12:39am

I should add that I wasn't originally asked to be their surro. I offered. That might make a big difference in how it is perceived even by many of the extended family members in these situations. I can see where asking someone might give them a sense of obligation which could lead to problems later on through the pregnancy or after.

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Permalink Reply by Sara K-W on August 9, 2009 at 1:17pm

I think for me personally it would depend on the family member. I don't have any direct cousins since both of my parents are only children, but I have A LOT of cousins through my hubby. I can think of only 1 female cousin out of the 3 that I'd do it for in a heartbeat, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that things would go sour with the other 2 if I tried for them. Then on the other side of that, I can think of 2 male cousins that I'd do it for, and gladly. But not my eggs in either situation.

I carry for my brother and his wife if they ever considered the option. My sister-in-law has now been 2 years cancer-free but her doctors all say it is much to risky for her to even try carrying a child again, even if her eggs are still viable from her chemo and radiation. But they already have 1 beautiful daughter, and have accepted that she most likely will be the only child they have, but I see those baby-urges in her every now and then...and I really don't know how they would feel at having to find another woman to donate eggs (because it's my brother and that's just kinda wrong to use mine...on so many levels)

I think that most people would pretty much know by instict who to ask/offer to be a surrogate before they actually do it, and the potential consequences based off of your current relationship with that family member. But family is always tricky....and no matter how strong the relationships.

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