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A Question for the TS momma's.....
I have a question for women that have been a Traditional Surrogate. I have attempted to be a Gestational Surrogate before, but we had one case where the embryo's didn't thaw, so the IVF transfer didn't work, and another case similar. Being a TS was always something I considered, but I prefered to be a GS because I knew it would be easier for me. I always thought being a TS would be very difficult, and was unsure wether to procede with it or not. But for my IP's I worked with before, I knew that if the GS part didn't work, I would offer to be a TS. Most couples looking for a surrogate really touch my heart with their story, and I just want to help.
How did you cope with carrying your biological child for another couple? Was it tough after delivery? What are the arrangements you have with the IP's to see the surro-babe? During this surrogacy, we have the chance to save money so we can afford to add to our family again, and have a second child. I think that will help in the long run when I think about if I will miss this baby or not. The greatest part is thinking that a couple that dearly wants a baby will have a completed family, thanks to me.
Just curious to see if I'm not alone thinking this.. and how you overcame your feelings.
How did you cope with carrying your biological child for another couple? Was it tough after delivery? What are the arrangements you have with the IP's to see the surro-babe? During this surrogacy, we have the chance to save money so we can afford to add to our family again, and have a second child. I think that will help in the long run when I think about if I will miss this baby or not. The greatest part is thinking that a couple that dearly wants a baby will have a completed family, thanks to me.
Just curious to see if I'm not alone thinking this.. and how you overcame your feelings.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by lovingmom23 on -
As a TS as well I feel your emotions.. I am just starting to find IP's again and am looking for the perfect couple to match with. On my side I am having the mother or the significant other do the second parent adoption so on paper the baby will be theirs. I have the same thoughts you do that saving the money will be wonderful because my husband and I wish to add another later on down the line just not right now. I will ask for pictures of the baby at least every so often because I want to see how everything is going. If the child wishes to find me later on then I will gladly welcome the opportunity to get to know them. I feel as though it may be a little difficult to let it go but to see the smile on a persons face when they get something they never thought they would get then it would be the most awsome feeling I believe. But i think it will be a little scary too. But having a supportive husband helps. Not to sound mean but just think you dont have to clean poop, wipe noses, wash a ton of clothes, deal with spit up and you dont lose sleep. Yes you gain the weight but without having to actually deal with the baby yourself you will have time for exercise and friends and be able to shop for someone other then the baby. I am not trying to sound like a horrible mother because I love my children with all my heart and couldnt imagine my life without them, but dont you sometimes wish that you could just go out and be with your husband and just relax, or go on a vacation to some exotic island without having to find a baby sitter or take the kids with you. I mean family vacations are awsome and I love doing things with my kids, but dont you sometimes miss having time to yourself. This way you would get too. There is nothing wrong with being a little selfish. You cant keep giving if you have nothing left to give. Thats the way I see it. but just think you will be able to give more to your babies by helping someone else have a baby. Ts or Gs style!
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Permalink Reply by TS*SurroMommy on -
As I write this, my son is sitting in my lap. A moment ago he was screaming non-stop for no apparent reason. So yes, I totally understand what you mean! That's why we thought this would be great for me. I really missed being pregnant, as soon as he was 3 months old. But I definitely am not ready to add to our family yet. He is such a handful I can't imagine taking care of another child right now! And the money will help. Everyone says the money means nothing.. but you don't go to work for fun, you go to make money. It just is a blessing that doing something this amazing has it's benefits, in many ways, both emotionally and financially. I can't wait to help a couple achieve their dream of a baby. And I think I need to keep telling myself, that I don't HAVE to do this, I am choosing to do this. So I'm sure it will be fine. And I do have alot of support, which is great. I'm very excited, and I think it's great I can come here to be reassured by women who have already been there. :) Thanks!!
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Permalink Reply by Leanne1972 on -
I could not agree more with Nicolette.
One thing I will add and this is my personal opinion that others may feel different about; I am very glad that my family was complete when I had my surrobaby. The hormones and general emotions attached with the end of a surrogacy can be very difficult. Coming home without a baby after giving birth was very surreal to me. Yes I cried, but not once did I feel sad or feel like I have lost something. I created a family and that is what I set out to do. Along with creating a family I have made life-long friends. From day 1 I never thought of my surrobaby as my own. That mindset was essential for me. The ultrasounds were exciting but I did not find myself nearly as excited as I was with my own children at their ultrasounds. With that being said, my FIM and I are very close friends now. We are in touch on MSN at least 5 days a week. They have given me the link to their photo sharing site so I am able to access that whenever I want. They update the photos weekly. Although they know that I access the photos and videos they still send me their favorites by way of email. We even do video chats when the baby is awake and I get to see her "in real life". We have plans for yearly visits. I know that I am one of the lucky ones and I cherish that.
You want to know something that is very eye-opening. My FIM gave me her blessing for a new surrogacy. When I matched I put my current IFS and my FIM in touch by email. My FIM emailed them tips for home insems! Afterall, their children will be related. This just shows how a TS relationship can be positive.
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Permalink Reply by ProudScotsMumtoBe on -
Leanne - what an amazing positive story. It is an example to all of us of how well a surrogacy relationship can evolve. I am so pleased for you that you had such a good relationship with your FIPs and that they are even involved to a small extent in your new journey.
Val xxx
P.S. How's the 2ww going - we're 7dpo and counting :)
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Permalink Reply by Jeri on -
A SM once told me it was being an egg donor and a GS at the same time! That's how she looked at it. She said from the beginning, it wasn't her baby and that's how she went into it.
Jeri
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Permalink Reply by Alison on -
IMO, if you are asking how one can give their own child up, TS is not for you. I say this very politely, believe me, but I also want to be honest and save feelings in the future!
When my surro son was born, I TRIED looking at him like I did the three children I had with my DH, but I couldn't. He was not my son. From even before the conception of my surrogate son, he was my FIP's child. His mother was not me, it was my FIM. I was the egg donor, but he was intended to be their son from the get go. I am not religious, but I do believe the egg that helped in making him was destined to be my FIP's egg, I guess you could say? :)
Due to him coming at 38 weeks and my FIP's not being there, I cared for him by myself the first two nights of his life. Honestly, it was like I was babysitting my friends child. Other than I was breastfeeding him, but that didn't make it weird or hard for me either.
And I don't see my surro son. I was promised numerous photos after the birth, but I've only received just a few since he was born in March of 2008. I knew that could happen, but I am pretty much okay with it. :)
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Permalink Reply by 4 chayrez on -
I am so sorry that has happened to you. But I can say the photos you do receive are adorable. I think he resembles you a lot...
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Permalink Reply by Alison on
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Thanks, Darla! I think he looks a lot like my FIF (wish I could post a pic of him, so you could see what I mean!). But I agree with you as well, and I have a lot of friends and family telling me how much he looks like me (and my Dad, lol). He is a cutie. :D
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Permalink Reply by Sarah B. on -
As a three time TS I think I can answer this question. I coped with carrying a child that was bio mine because I honestly didn't want to have anymore children. I believe that there are so many good people out in this world who need help to have kids, they look to surrogacy and we surrogates step up and fullfill a need. My first TS was very very hard, it was very bitter sweet through out the pregnancy. I knew I didn't want to have anymore children, I knew I positive with that fact but your body is carrying a child that is yours, so deep down somewhere in your core you have this feeling of wanting the child... but you don't want it.... You should want it because the baby is of you...but you don't want it. This TS babes I have carried aren't mine, they are not meant for me, or my family. They were made for someone else, who has a need for a child. The toughest moments are after the delivery. Even though my IPs were so supportive, it's just hard. Have your support people there, discuss how you are going to leave the hospital... You leave first? You leave last? You leave together? I have done it all ways and it's easiest if I leave last, so I don't see the car driving away. It's just a personal choice. I said a goodbye to my first and watched them leave and it is one of the most painful memories I have. I asked for a momento from the baby, so I could carry it around for comfort. You literally mourn the loss of the baby. Not the loss of not having your child at home with you but the loss of not being pregnant anymore, or having the journey ending. Your body is scraeming at you "Wheres the baby" and there isn't a baby! I took it day by day, asked my hubby to take off work right after each prenancy and stuck to him like glue. Allow yourself to cry and grieve... But know that baby is in a good place, loving place and I always work with IPs who want contact after birth so that is such a must with me! Have to have that for my emotional recoop. Hope this helps in some way. Email me through my profile if you want to chat.
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